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BEGIN INTRO AND ROLL THEME MUSIC

RATING: TV-PG

CAPTION JOKE: Four out of Five Aliens Recommend This Show Over Any Other

CAPTION: CREATED BY MATT GROENING

CAPTION: DEVELOPED BY MATT GROENING & DAVID X. COHEN

ACT ONE:

CAPTION: WRITTEN BY TRAVE JONES

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY - ESTABLISHING

INT. PLANET EXPRESS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

FRY WALKS INSIDE.  THE ONLY PEOPLE SITTING AT THE CONFERENCE TABLE ARE FARNSWORTH AND LEELA.

FRY: Hey guys.

FARNSWORTH: Hello Fry.

LEELA: Hey Fry.  Late again, I see.

FRY: What are you talkin' about?  According to my watch, I’m perfectly on time.  Obviously, all of your watches must be equally broken.

FRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.  NONE OF THE HANDS MOVE FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS, THEN, THE SECOND HAND FINALLY TICKS, AND THE WHOLE THING CAN BE SEEN AND HEARD BREAKING.

FRY: Whoa, correction.  I think <i>my</i> watch is running <i>fast</i>.

WE NOW CUT TO THE MEDIA ROOM.  BENDER IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, APPARENTLY BORED, WATCHING TELEVISION.

TV: (male announcer) Coming up next, on FOX: It's “Beverly Hills: Star Date 902-Point-0,” followed by--

BENDER CHANGES THE CHANNEL WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL IN HIS HAND.

BENDER: I can't believe they brought <i>that</i> show back.

MEANWHILE, FRY IS STILL IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM, LOOKING AROUND AND SCRATCHING HIS HEAD A BIT.  HE LOOKS BRIEFLY INTO THE SHIP'S HANGAR, THEN HE LOOKS UNDER A NEARBY CHAIR'S CUSHION.  FINALLY, HE TURNS TO LEELA AND FARNSWORTH.

FRY: Hey, guys, what's goin' on?  Where's Amy, and Hermes, and Dr. Zoidberg?

FARNSWORTH: Oh my, what an intriguing tale that is.

LEELA: Yeah Fry, and you wouldn't have to hear about the story from us if you hadn't been late.

FRY: I already told you Leela, I wasn't late.  Look at my watch, does it look like I'm late to you?

FRY SHOWS HIS WATCH TO LEELA FROM ACROSS THE TABLE.  DUE TO GRAVITY, THE HANDS ALL SLIDE DOWN TO THE BOTTOM.

LEELA:
(crossing her arms) From here, it looks like it says 6:30.

FRY: 6:30?!

FRY TURNS HIS WATCH BACK TO FACE HIM.

FRY: Ha!  I'm even earlier than I thought!

FARNSWORTH: Anyway, Fry, before you arrived this morning, we received a package, a rather large one at that, with instructions for it to be delivered to a specific multi-billionaire's own little private planet.  It was at least a two person job, so we decided to send Hermes and Amy.  The problem was, the instructions also warned that the entire planet was a habitat for a very poisonous variety of mosquito, and so we agreed that Dr. Zoidberg would go along with them, in order to administer the antidote in the case the need arose.

WE NOW CUT BACK TO BENDER.

BENDER: (still looking at the TV) Uh-oh, looks like the writers ran out of material for the secondary characters.  Now they're just figurin' out ways to bump 'em off the show.

FRY WALKS OVER TO BENDER, FROM OUT OF NOWHERE IT SEEMS.

FRY: What was that Bender?

BENDER: Ah, nothin'.  I was just talkin' about this show I'm watchin'.

BENDER POINTS TO THE TV.

FRY: Oooookay.

FRY WALKS OFF JUST AS STRANGELY AS HE'D COME.

SUDDENLY, FRY IS BACK AT THE CONFERENCE TABLE, LIKE BEFORE.

FARNSWORTH: So anyway, that's what happened.

FRY: Mm-hmm.  So when do you think they'll be back?

FARNSWORTH: Well, that's hard to say, really.  My guess is some time late this afternoon.

WE CUT TO BENDER AGAIN.

BENDER: Yep, <i>definitely</i> bumpin' them off.

FRY SHOWS UP AGAIN.

FRY: What?

BENDER: I was talkin' about the show, Fry.

BENDER POINTS TO THE TV AGAIN.

BENDER: Remember?

FRY: Oh, yeah.

FRY LEAVES AGAIN.

BENDER: ...Anyway, forget it, this is crap.

BENDER CHANGES THE CHANNEL AGAIN.  AFTER A SECOND, HE SITS UP, INTERESTED IN WHAT HE SEES.

BENDER: Ah, cool, I didn’t know this show was on.

FRY COMES BACK, AND TAKES A LOOK AT THE SCREEN.

FRY: Hey, what's that?

BENDER: “Mystery Science Theater 4000.”

FRY: What happened to “3000”?

BENDER: Uh, Fry, I don’t think anyone wants to watch a sci-fi show about <i>present day</i> technology.

FRY: Oh, right.  But wait, I thought they canceled this show a long time ago.  Like, a thousand years ago.

BENDER: Well, they did, but a few years back I think everyone just decided to start puttin' old shows back into production, 'cause they finally realized everything new on TV is just garbage.

FRY: Yeah, amen to that.

SLOWLY, BENDER AND FRY TURN TO FACE THE CAMERA, THEN QUICKLY LOOK BACK TO THE TV.

TV: (female announcer) ...But maybe it <i>will</i> happen, someday.

BENDER: Hey, what the hell is this?!  Aw man, they crapped up the show!  Now they’ve got some anchor woman talkin' about what might happen in the future!

FRY: Yeah, what’s this?!

TV: ...And when we come back, we’ll see what new constellations may form by the 41st century.  Is it true that we may have the heavens giving us the finger?  Plus, robots.  Will we ever be able to get rid of them?

BENDER: Hey!!!

TV: “Mystery Science,” “4000,” will be right back.

BENDER: I can’t believe this!  That was my favorite show!

FRY: I know, I used to watch it too, back in the 20th century.  They must be under new management.

BENDER: After more than a thousand years?  Oh, this couldn’t be worse.

BENDER PULLS A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR OUT OF HIS STOMACH CHEST, AND STARTS DRINKING FROM IT.

FRY: Hey, it’ll be okay.

FRY PATS BENDER ON THE BACK, GIVING OFF THE SOUND OF A TRASH CAN BEING BANGED.  THEN HE WALKS BACK TO THE CONFERENCE TABLE.  LEELA AND FARNSWORTH ARE STILL SITTING THERE, TALKING.

FARNSWORTH: Yes, well, I theorize that such a sudden augmentation of spacecraft propulsion, may effect a severe...um, “ka-boom” thingy.

FRY: Hey, what'cha guys talkin’ about?

LEELA: Well, we’re discussing a method on applying our delivery ship’s fuel more efficiently, thereby establishing much longer and faster travel per light year with only a minuscule amount of more dark matter in the core, dispersed evenly, of course, among all the ship's power relays and engine conduits in order to maintain reactor stability.

FRY: (spoken quickly) Whoa, didn’t get that, sorry I asked.  Hey, guess what?  That show, “Mystery Science Theater 4000,” is under new management.  It’s like a news show now, and now they're calling it “Mystery Science: 4000.”

LEELA: Fry, are you sure that show wasn’t just called “Mystery Science”?  It premiered last week.  Maybe that <i>episode</i> was entitled “4000.”

FARNSWORTH: Oh, “Mystery Science” is on?  Great, I <i>love</i> that show.

FARNSWORTH GETS UP AND STARTS SLOWLY WALKING TO THE TV.

FARNSWORTH: We’ll talk later Leela.

LEELA: Okay Professor.

FRY: Oh, well, uh...Hey!  Wait a minute!  Of course I’m sure!  You think I’m so dumb that I don’t know the difference between two totally different TV shows?

LEELA: Well Fry, it depends on when you ask me.  Before, or after I met you.

LEELA STARTS CHUCKLING, AS FRY NARROWS HIS EYES AT HER.

LEELA: Actually Fry, it’s an easy mistake to make.  After all, they both have “Mystery Science” in the title.

FRY: No way, Leela.  I <i>know</i> what I saw.  See, that’s the difference between you and me.  When I know something, and I mean <i>really</i> know it, I don’t doubt it, not even for a second.

LEELA: That must be why you’re so stubborn.

FRY: Yeah, well, I’m still sure of what I saw.  I'm positive...yeah, that’s it, positive.  If I’m wrong, then I’ll, uh...I'll read a book.

LEELA: (gasps) The <i>whole</i> book?

FRY: Yep.

LEELA: (thinking momentarily) Wait a minute Fry.  You’re not thinking of using a loophole to get out of this by using a <i>picture</i> book, are you?

FRY: D'oh!

LEELA: No...it has to be a book of <i>my</i> choosing.

FRY HOLDS HIS HEAD DOWN AND GRUNTS ANGRILY.

LEELA: Don’t worry, I won’t make you read more than twenty pages.

FRY: What?  They have books that long now?

FARNSWORTH: (from a distance) This show is fascinating!

FRY AND LEELA FIRST LOOK OVER AT HEARING THE PROFESSOR'S VOICE, THEN LOOK BACK TO THEMSELVES FOR A MOMENT, AND FINALLY, START WALKING TO THE TV, CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT FARNSWORTH IS TALKING ABOUT.

WHEN THEY ARRIVE, WE SEE THAT BENDER HAS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH, WITH HIS HEAD AIMED UPWARD AT THE CEILING AND HIS HAND WITH THE LIQUOR BOTTLE IN IT LAYING ON THE ARMREST.

FARNSWORTH: Correction: This show puts the “P-H” <i>in</i> “fascinating”!

LEELA: What’s it about Professor?

FARNSWORTH: They’re talking about the new scientific field that everyone is learning about and getting interested in.

FRY: Well, not everyone.  I mean, <i>I’m</i> not interested in it.  Science stuff tends to make me bored...and asleep.

FARNSWORTH: I didn’t mean <i>everyone</i> Fry.  Just those in the scientific community...and possibly some advertisers, and criminals.  I’m talking about temporal exploration.

FRY: Come again?

FARNSWORTH: Time travel, Fry.

FRY: ...Come again?

FARNSWORTH: The ability to go from the present time, to some other point in the future or past, instantaneously.

FRY: Oh, well then, what’s the big mystery?  <i>I</i> did that.  That’s how I got <i>here</i>, remember?

FARNSWORTH: Of course, but you don’t have a means to get back.  Traversing through the past is still as of yet an unknown science.

FRY: But wait, what about that time when we all got sent back to the 1940's, in Roswell, New Mexico?  Didn't we go back in time then?

FARNSWORTH: I had a feeling you were going to ask that; and yes, indeed, we did time travel then.  However, the difference between the two concepts here is that that one was an accident.  If one were to try to recreate such an infinitely precise set of circumstances, using the same base components as a microwave oven and a supernova, to achieve the same result, the consequences could be disastrous.  To put it simply, Fry, we just got lucky that time.

LEELA: (rolling her eyes) Yeah, we seem to do that a lot, don't we?

FRY: (confidently) Hey, well, not anymore.  See, uh, it’s simple.  Since I got frozen, and went to the future, then maybe, uh, if we heated me up a whole lot, I--

FARNSWORTH: Never mind.

TV: ...Though new things are being discovered every day about time travel, scientists still speculate that it will take about a thousand years before the process is perfected.

FARNSWORTH: Yes, that sounds about right.

FRY: Wait a minute.  It’s gonna take a thousand years, but they’ve already gotten started?

FARNSWORTH: Yes Fry.  Of course, they’re going as fast as they can, but scientific discoveries of this magnitude take time.

FRY: Hey, I’m from the 20th century.  Back then, when a scientist, or anybody else for that matter, was on to something, they got it done quick, ‘cause they knew they could use it to make millions.  I mean, where would we be without the radio, and the miracle of Hard Rock from your boombox no matter where you were?  And what about TV?  You can bet that whoever invented that got super-rich.

FARNSWORTH: Wait, wasn’t television a development of several combined advents, invented not by one person but by many?

FRY: Uh, that’s what I said, sort of.  Anyway, my point is, it got invented fast because they knew the potential of MTV.  Especially back when they actually played music videos.  Even though it showed up several decades after television did.  What I'm trying to say is, we all know that time-travel could make a lot of money, and so I think that’s a good enough reason to hurry up with it.

TV: ...Of course, we all know that time-travel has the potential to make a lot of money, and so, though it is not likely to be discovered before a thousand years pass, the race <i>is</i> on to find the secret that will make it all work.

FRY: Oh, I get it now, they <i>are</i> going as fast as they can.

LEELA: Didn’t the Professor just tell you that, Fry?

FRY: Hey Leela, look, <i>I</i> just said what the TV-anchor said before she even said it, and since the anchor is always right, that must make me always right too.  So, come on now, say it with me, “Oh, I get it now, they <i>are</i> going as fast as they--”

LEELA: Shut up Fry.

FRY: (submissively) Yes Leela.

TV: ...And who knows, maybe someone <i>will</i> discover it quicker.

BENDER SITS UP AND OPENS HIS EYES.

BENDER: Huh?  What was that about liquor?

EXT. DARK ALLEYWAY - SUNSET

A LARGE RECYCLING BIN IS LOCATED IN THE ALLEY.

A CIRCULAR YELLOW WARPHOLE OPENS RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE ALLEY SO THAT ONE SIDE FACES THE SKY AND THE OTHER THE GROUND.  A MAN FALLS OUT OF THE WARP, AND LANDS ON HIS FEET.  HE IS WEARING A LEATHER JACKET, JEANS, BLACK BOOTS, HAS HIS NOSE PIERCED, AND HAS SPIKY BLACK HAIR.  HE QUICKLY RUNS FROM THE AREA, AND THE WARP CLOSES.

AFTER ONLY A SPLIT-SECOND, ANOTHER WARP OPENS A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE ALLEY, IN THE SAME POSITION, BUT INSTEAD OF FALLING OUT, ANOTHER MAN COMES OUT OF THE TOP, FEET FIRST.  HE IS WEARING A GRAY JUMPSUIT WITH A GOLDEN EQUILATERAL TRIANGLE PIN POINTING DOWNWARD ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS CHEST.  HE IS SLIGHTLY MUSCULAR, AND HAS BROWN HAIR.  HE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR YELLING, AND FINALLY, LANDS IN THE RECYCLING BIN.  THE WARP CLOSES.

THE MAN FUMBLES AROUND IN THE BIN AND FINALLY BEGINS TO GET OUT BY TOSSING SOME OF THE JUNK IN IT ON THE GROUND.

MAN: Great, just great, he’s getting away.

THE MAN REACHES INTO HIS RIGHT POCKET, AND PULLS OUT A TINY COMPUTER THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF A GOLFBALL.  IT'S COLORED BLACK, HAS A SHORT, RETRACTABLE ANTENNA AT THE TOP OF IT, AND A SMALL SPEAKER IN THE CENTER OF IT.  HE CONNECTS IT TO A SIMILARLY BLACK WRISTBAND THAT HE'S WEARING JUST UNDERNEATH ONE OF HIS SLEEVES, BY WAY OF A HINGED PRONG WHICH HE FLIPS UP OFF OF THE WRISTBAND.  HE BRINGS HIS WRIST UP TO HIS FACE.

MAN: Computer, what year is this?

COMPUTER: (futuristically synthesized female voice) The year is 3003, A.D.

MAN: Oh, quit being so standoffish.  I know we had an argument last night, but you <i>still</i> can’t open up to me?

COMPUTER: (now sounding realistic, and much more down-to-earth) Hey, you first pal.  You just called me “Computer.”

MAN: You’re right.  Sorry.

COMPUTER: It’s okay.  Now, like I was saying, we’re in the year 3003.  Looks like that guy you were chasing had to go pretty far back.

MAN: I know.  How are we gonna find him?

COMPUTER: Let’s see.  I can’t access the SurveillaTrack satellite system; the version I’m compatible with doesn’t exist yet.  Looks like we’ll have to find him the old-fashioned way.

MAN: Tap into SecurityCam Image Verification?

COMPUTER: No, we’ll have to look for him.

MAN: Look?  But, where do we start?

COMPUTER: Honestly, where would you humans be without machines?

MAN: (smirking) That’s an easy one, much more relaxed.  You know, robots almost--

COMPUTER: I know, I know.  They almost took control over the entire galaxy and enslaved all humans, but you guys fought back, and now it’s illegal to build any kind of artificial intelligence with the ability to move on its own.

MAN: Right.  And that’s why you’re just a computer.  Have I really told you that story that much?

COMPUTER: You know, a computer only needs to hear something one time to remember it forever.  Anyway, we start looking for Mr. Past Dweller, by asking around, trying to find out if anyone’s seen him, and where he may have been headed.

MAN: Oh.  Well, why’d you get all mad at me?  I never knew that was how you looked for someone.  I never had to do it before.

COMPUTER: Exactly.  Machines have--

MAN: <i>But</i>, I think I <i>can</i> do it.  It doesn’t seem that hard.

THE MAN WALKS OUT FROM THE ALLEY ONTO THE SIDEWALK.

MAN: Shoot, it’s going to be night soon.  We have to come back <i>right here</i> once we’ve apprehended our man, so we're going to have to put something near this alley to let us know that this was the exact spot where we were.  I know...

THE MAN PULLS A DEVICE OUT OF HIS POCKET WITH A TINY PROJECTOR IN IT SURROUNDED BY EIGHT BUTTONS.  HE PRESSES FIVE OF THEM, AND PUTS THE DEVICE ON THE STREET RIGHT NEXT TO THE SIDEWALK, WITH THE PROJECTOR FACING UPWARD.  A GHOST-IMAGE OF A YELLOW CAR WITH PURPLE STREAKS THEN APPEARS, RIGHT OVER THE DEVICE, AND SOON AFTER IT APPEARS TO SOLIDIFY.

MAN: There.  That hologram device sure comes in handy.  I gave it those colors to make sure we don’t get it mixed up with another vehicle.

COMPUTER: Of course.  No one could have that kind of terrible taste.

MAN: (chuckles) Well, besides the color, it should blend right in.  From what I can see, hovering automobiles seem to be the most widely-used kind of vehicle in this time period.  Gosh, how primitive.  Well, Samantha, let’s go.

THE MAN STARTS WALKING OFF, HEADING DOWN THE SIDEWALK TO HIS LEFT.

RIGHT AFTER THAT, A HOVERCAR FLIES OVER TO WHERE THE HOLOGRAM CAR IS LOCATED.  THE DRIVER INSIDE LOOKS OUT HIS WINDOW AND YELLS OUT TO THE MAN WALKING AWAY.

DRIVER: Hey man, move your car!  Can't you read the sign over here?!  It says, “No Landing”!  That means it's illegal to stay here!... (changing from angry to whining) ...Come on, please?  I was wanting this space <i>way</i> before you were.  Oh, dang it!

THE DRIVER GETS BACK IN THE CAR AND FLIES AWAY.