Who Wants To Be A Seiryu Seishi?
by Serendipity

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Seiryu sat back on his chair and took a sip from his coffee mug. Today was the day. The big day to begin choosing his celestial warriors. He just hoped the flyers were distributed properly...

Somewhere in ancient China, Genbu finished randomly throwing flyers to the wind. " Pretty..." he declared, as he watched them flutter off on the breeze. Byakko began to bang his head repeatedly against a mountain.

Right. As long as the flyers were distributed properly, all would be well. He took a few minutes for a maniacal laugh. " And I shall win my very own extra large box of almond pocky!" he yelled melodramatically, waving his hand in the air. For you see, Suzaku and Seiryu had made a little bet on the outcome of this particular celestial battle, and Seiryu was very fond of almonds.

" Bring on the warriors!" he declared happily, slamming down his coffee mug and ignoring the brown puddle of caffeine on his desk. Gods had no need to fear staining, for they had their very own maids. Their very own...very frightening maids with short tempers and large brooms. He surreptitiously wiped at the spot.

The door opened slowly and a shapely woman with a red pigtail stepped in. " Yo," she said, crossing her arms. " I heard there was some sort of job opening. Something about warriors." She held out a very misused flyer. " I couldn't read it very well, " she explained, waving the paper a bit to illustrate her point.

" Ah." Said Seiryu, wondering if all the flyers were as messy as this one. ' Curse you Byakko and Genbu! Curse you and all your warriors!'

And so it came to pass that all the Byakko and Genbu warriors were cursed. Funny how things turn out when you're a god, eh? Can't even say 'damn you' without the person you were directing the curse at falling straight to hell.

" Well," he started, clearing his throat. " What is your special ability?"

" I can turn into a girl when splashed with cold water."

"You are already a girl."

" No, I'm usually a boy. We ran out of hot water this morning."

Seiryu raised an eyebrow. " Uh-huh. And that's your special ability, is it?"

" I also have uncommon skill at martial arts. And an odd knack for picking up fiancées."

" Right. Well, do you have any psychoses? Any funny little personality flaw? Like homicidal tendencies or a love of make-up?"

" No, perfectly normal. Except, of course, for the turning female when dipped in cold water thing."

Seiryu felt disappointed. " None at all?" he persisted.

" I have a takoyaki fetish."

He slumped in his chair. Nope, not quirky enough. " I'll call you." He said, pulling a string that opened a very predictable trap door, which dumped the poor gender-switching fool into some swamp out in the jungle.

" Next!" he yelled.

A loud crashing sound, followed by a few choice obscenities. Seiryu raised an eyebrow once again as a string of curses echoed from the hallway. Finally, a red-haired man stomped in, carrying a metal tessen.

" -censored- piece of -censored- -censored- said I could -censored censored-." He said, by way of explanation. " -censored-" he added apologetically.

" Erm...no problem." Seiryu never knew that you could make up half a sentence with curse words. He filed away for future reference. It might come in handy on Monopoly night.

" So," he began, eying the red-head as though he might explode at any moment. " What is your special ability..."

" -censored-"

" Besides your remarkable ability to use at least five obscenities in a single sentence."

" I can throw fire from my tessen." He said, holding the metal, fanlike object like one might hold a teddy bear or security blanket.

" Are you a pyromaniac then?"

" No, I just like my tessen. My nice, shiny, metal tessen..." The man trailed off and drooled slightly as he stared at his weapon of choice with reverence.

Seiryu sweatdropped. " Uh-huh." He muttered. " Well, lets see about your evilness level."

" My what? -censored-?"

" Your evilness level. Would you kill innocent people?"

" -censored- No!"

" Well, I'm sorry then. How about you try the room down the hall? They're applying for warriors too."

He'd love to see the look on Suzaku's face when this weirdo showed up. The guy couldn't stand swearing of any kind. He felt sorry for the poor pyromaniac though.

Of course, a few months later, he'd be incredibly shocked to see that the profane pyro made it onto Suzaku's little team. It was probably the fire-throwing thing. Suzaku also had a little fire obsession. But hey, he's a phoenix, it's normal.

" Next!" roared the dragon god. He'd only gone through two would-be seishi and he was already getting a headache.

The door was ripped open by a giant metal humanoid robot.

Seiryu paused, blinked, reminded himself that he was immortal and did not have to worry about being stomped out of existence by a huge metal foot. " Ah..." he said, regaining his ability of speech. " And who might you be?"

A door opened, revealing a compartment in the midsection of the machine in which sat a boy with untidy brown hair and tight spandex shorts. " Code name: Heero Yuy. Mission: Inquire about job opening on this flyer." at this the boy raised his hand and revealed the ' Help Wanted' flyer.

" Uh-huh." Where in the nine hells were Byakko and Genbu spreading those flyers?

Elsewhere, Genbu was tossing flyers directly into a time warp, laughing happily as he did so. Byakko smacked a paw to his head and muttered into it.

" So...what are your special abilities. You know, throwing fire, psychic powers, etc.?"

" I have a giant robot."

" Riiight. Any special, un-human abilities?"

" I can pull guns from my spandex space."

" ...I'll consider it." He pulled the string again and made the bishie-dump. " NEXT!" he yelled, while wondering what to do with the giant metal man.

In strolled a blond man, who was being glomped by both a red-haired woman and a man with too much time on his hands and probably a years supply of make-up.

" And you are?"

" I am Nakago."

" And who are your extra appendages?"

The 'extra appendages' clamped on to Nakago even tighter, muttering "Nakago-sama."

' Nakago-sama' sweatdropped. " Ah," he said, " This," he lifted the arm the red-haired lady was glomping, " Is Soi. And this," he lifted the other arm, " Is Tomo."

" I see..."

" And I have come here because of this flyer which I found in my cape drawer."

Elsewhere, Genbu happily shoved flyers into the closets of random anime characters as Byakko took an aspirin.

Seiryu began to process this information. " You found it in your cape drawer?" He paused. Yes, he would definitely have a little chat with Genbu and Byakko.

" That's right. It says something about needing warriors for a play."

" A what?" yelled Seiryu, momentarily shocked.

" That's right." He began to read off of the flyer. " Warriors need for theatrical production. Costumes included. Please note management takes..."

" No responsibility for what happens in the duration of the play. I.e., loss of limbs or sibling, development of new psychosis, and most probably, death." Read Genbu, scrawling on a flyer with a huge magic marker. He dropped it into a mailbox and skipped off.

Seiryu ground his teeth and made a strangling motion with his hands. He struggled to maintain his composure. Remember the pocky, remember the pocky...nice, crunchy, almond-flavored pocky....

" I'm sorry, but you have been misinformed." He started, keeping the soothing thought of almonds in his head, " I need you to protect my priestess."

" I see...very well. "

" Do you have any special techniques or abilities?"

Nakago began to list his entire resume, which was at least twenty feet long, since he has powers up the wazoo.

" You're in!" shouted Seiryu happily.

" There's a slight catch." said Nakago. " If you take me you also have to take...Soi, Tomo, and my pet dog-man."

" Pardon?"

" Well, do you think they'll ever disentangle themselves from my arms?"

Seiryu looked at Soi, who was now clinging to Nakago's shoulders, her legs wrapped around his waist, And at Tomo, who was muttering 'Nakago-sama' and cuddling Nakago's arm like a giant carnival toy.

" Erm...no. Fine, I'll take them too...hey. Hey! They're drooling on my carpet!"

" You're lucky Ashitare isn't here."

" ...I'm not going to ask. Alright, you got the jobs. Step over to the other room to get your seishi symbol tattoos."

" Yahoo! More body decoration!" Tomo yelled, finally letting go of Nakago and rushing over.

" The life I live is sad..." muttered Seiryu, sinking into his chair.