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I didn't tell them anything they didn't already know, which doesn't cover much ground. Those dudes knew a lot. But, I owe the guys and Big V. that much even if I hadn't seen them in awhile. Ratso, Chow, and Hak Foo are in separate cells here in San Quentin like me, and Valmont's in the loony bin I hear. Good for him, he wasn't looking so good.

I won't forget how upset Big V. looked when the trial was over and they gave us our sentences. We asked him what the plan was, but he didn't say anything, he just looked upset like he knew it was all over. I also won't forget how smug Chan and Captain Black looked. Man, I hate those guys.

Man, sobriety really sucks! I hadn't had a shot or a joint in days and I'm already sick. I've already been through the sweating, and the throwing up, and withdrawls. Now, I just feel down all the time mostly because I'm doing a lot of thinking. That's what prison leaves you plenty of time to think, and that's something I don't like doing a whole lot of. This is probably the absolute worst time in my life. No, scratch that, the worst was when my grandpa died.

Grandpa Finn, what a character. I wonder what he would say if he saw me in prison right now. He would probably start yelling at the prison guards for keeping me in here, then figure out a good way for me to escape. He taught me everything I knew, how to cheat at cards, gave me my first shot of whisky when I was twelve. Sometimes I would hear him singing some of those old Irish drinking-type songs at night. He was one cool old dude.

He was also my only family. I didn't have a dad and my mom was a hippy. She used to wear the long skirts, the flowers in her hair, smoke pot, did that weird hippy art, listen to Hendrix the whole bit. In fact, Grandpa tells me I was this close to being named Moonbeam if he hadn't asked her to name me after him. When I was six, she took off in one of those Partridge Family-type VW's and I hadn't seen her since. Perhaps she joined a cult or one of those communes, I have no idea. So anyway, she took off and it was Grandpa and me.

When I started school, I knew that place would suck. It was a Catholic deal where the nuns rapped your knuckles if you weren't paying attention. My hand hurts just thinking about it. To top it off, I didn't get along with most of the other kids. They were rich and I wasn't. Plus, I was skinny and dorky- looking, a total bully magnet. That was until I met Ratso, he took care of the bullies and we started hanging out together. We ditched class, snuck cigarettes in the parking lot, cheated off each other's homework, whatever. I always like him, but not like that. We were best friends, almost like brothers, but I never tried to lay him. I never wanted to. Well mostly because I didn't know until I was in high school and also because he is definitely straight. Both him and Chow are and well, I'm not. Ratso and I just always looked out for each other.

I figured I was gay when I was fifteen and I met this older guy, a senior who was ironically enough studying to be a priest. He was eighteen and was really good looking, he sort of looked like a young Liam Neeson. Well, Brendan that's the guy's name, invited me to his house and the next thing I knew we were doing it. I liked it. It felt good. I told Ratso and Grandpa. Ratso thought it was cool and Grandpa was upset at first, but he was more upset when he found out that Brendan had gotten himself engaged to this girl. Grandpa wasn't feeling too good at the time, so when he walked into the pub he always hung out in and saw Brendan there and started yelling at him for hurting his grandson, he passed out. The doctors said it was a stroke and should have killed him, but no it took about six months for the job to be finished. I looked after him, until he died, but I guess I didn't too good a job, I guess. After he died, I was miserable so right after his funeral, I said good-bye to Ratso and took off for Hollywood.

I didn't have much money when I got there, so I started hustling. A couple of older guys showed me how it was done and I really got into it. I also started hanging out at a lot of clubs and doing a lot of drugs. I was already on marijuana when I got there, but eventually I moved up to harder stuff, cocaine, speed, heroin. Another stupid thing I did was o.d. the first time I tried it, and ended up in the hospital. But, I got used to that to. Dude, I think I spent the entire nineties high!

One night, I ran into Ratso at the club, and he introduced me to The Kid. That's what I used to call Chow. We didn't like each other much back then, but I guess we started to. We started to work for Ratso's uncle doing some illegal stuff for him. It was a sweet set-up until we owed him money and we got arrested. Our bail was paid by some rich guy we didn't know, Valmont.

Valmont said he needed enforcers to help him, those who were in the best of their field and with no moral code, well that's what he said and we believed him. He later told me he wanted us, because he knew we were completely loyal, complete idiots! I bought it, I didn't care because that night for the first and only time we did it. He was the first person since Brenden, that Ifelt anything for. Of course I kept to myself, most of the time. When he had ladies in the room what could I do ,but be his loyal willing sidekick? The big buy had me, he knew it and I knew it. I wouldn't ever leave him, but be loyal to him always.

Sometimes I ask myself, why I stayed with V. Why didn't I leave like Tohru did? God knows, sometimes I thought about it. I know why, I couldn't leave him or the guys. So I lived with him yelling and insulting me. But just once I wish he looked at me the way I sometimes secretly look at him: like he loved me.