Lara: Are you sure? These are aliens we're talking about. You know Meep meep blurgh blurgh laser-beams etcetera.

Tora: 'Course we're sure. I'm not going to leave my Dad's life in the hands of an insane psycho who fires machine guns just for the sound of it. No way.

Lara: Hey! I'm not a psycho! Psychos kill for no reason. I kill for money.

Jane: Why are they abducting gorillas? And Tarzan?

Lara: I don't know. All I know is, as I said, I'm supposed to get them back.

Jane: (Pointing up at the hovering spacecraft) How are we going to get up there?

Lara: Not a problem. The thing we have to deal with right now is you two.

Jane & Tora: What about us?

Lara: Well for one thing, I'm not sharing my hunting grounds with two people dressed like that…(Gesturing towards the girls apparel)

Tora: What's wrong with my clothes?

Jane: Yes. Just because we don't dress like you. You hardly wear anything.

Lara: (Ignoring them) And secondly, neither of you have anything to fight with anyway.

Tora: 'Knocked you pretty flat.

Lara: (Still ignoring her, produces the tiny bag slung around her shoulders) So I'll have to help you won't I.

Jane: What can you possibly fit in there?

Lara: Oh, just the essentials: Medi packs, ammo, keys, guns, grenades, clothes, artefacts, easily loosable pieces of paper with cheat codes on them, flares-

Jane: (Dis-believingly) In there?

Tora: Cheat codes?

Lara: Oh yes.

Tora: What sort of cheats?

Lara: Lemme see…(rummages in bag)…here we go- All weapons, level skip, you name it. (Whispers to them behind her hand) There's even one that makes me strip!

Tora: YUK! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

Jane: That's disgusting!

Tora: Is there a cheat to get my Dad back?

Jane: Of course there isn't, or she would have used-

Lara: Yes.

Jane & Tora: WHAT!? CAN'T YOU JUST USE IT?

Lara: Nooo, of course not! That wouldn't be any fun. What's the point of making the game if you just skip all the levels?

Tora: This is not a game.

Lara: Yes it is.

Jane: But...but…

Lara: Anyway, weapons for you two. Give me a second.

She walks backwards away from them a few paces. Then she takes a step back, a step forwards, turns three full circles, then jumps back.

Tora: What was that for?

Lara: All weapons cheat.

Tora: Oh. So you won't cheat to get my Dad back, but you will just to get us weapons?

Lara: Weapons are different. (Puts bag on floor, and sticks her whole arm in it. Finally she produces two holsters containing Uzis) Here ya go. (Hands them to Jane.)

Jane & Tora: (Both staring at Lara)

Lara: (Not noticing) And….where is it?…(Arms and head in bag. Clanking noises can be heard from inside)…Oww…Oh, here they are. (Hands a shot gun to Jane, and a grenade launcher to Tora)

Jane: I don't like shotguns. In fact, I don't like any guns.

Tora: Hey, she gets three!

Lara: Yes. But you get a grenade launcher.

Tora: Ohhhhh.

Lara: Geez I almost forgot (Now has the whole of her waist upwards in the bag, searching)

Jane & Tora: (Exchange glances)

Lara: (Gets out of the bag, with two hangers of clothes in her hand) Here. Put these on.

Jane & Tora: (Regard the clothes with dis-taste)

Jane: Um…do we have to? Trousers aren't really…my kind of thing.

Tora: Actually, they're kinda cool.

Jane: Tora!

Tora: What?

Lara: That's what I like to see. Now, take these and put them on.

Jane: (Takes a hanger reluctantly)

Tora: (Takes the other eagerly)

The two girls disappear behind the trees. Tora emerges after a few minuets, adorned in a pair of denim hot pants with suspenders and strap-top, and some very spikey brown boots.

Tora: Where's Mom?

Lara: She is refusing to come out. Something about tents and people who go through men's wardrobes. Can't imagine what she means.

Tora: (Rolls her eyes and walks towards the trees) I'll go get her.

Jane finally appears, dragged along by Tora, wearing some very baggy pants and a jacket, and huge boots.

Lara: (Beams) See? They suit you, really.

Jane: (Makes grumbley noises, glaring at the floor)

Lara: Something's missing….ah! (She searches through the bag again, finally producing a baseball cap, with 'Phreak' written across the front. She hands it to Tora)

Tora: Cool.

Lara: And finally- hair! (She braids up the girls' hair) There! Now you both look just like me.

Jane: And that's…a good thing?

Lara: (Ignores her again) Now! To the space ship!

She reaches deep into her bag, and pulls out a box. On it is written 'Do It Yourself Jet Packs'

Lara: This will only take me a minuet. (She constructs the rockets)

Jane: How do you get so much stuff in there.

Lara: I'd never thought about it really. Here you go, put these on as well.

Jane & Tora: (Take a jet pack each) Um…

Lara: This button makes it go, this makes it excelerate, these steer it and this one cuts the engine.

Tora: Okay, I'll try to remember those. Mom? You can go first.

Jane: (Looks at Tora pleadingly) But…I…

Lara: Go on then.

Jane looks at them desperately, then groans and presses a button gingerly. She finally comes to land…well, crash, into a tree, after a brief moment of airborneness, during which she pulled off a spectacular triple loop and nosedive. Unfortunately, all she'd wanted to do was get up to the ship.

Lara: Well done! You're a natural.

Jane: (Makes a moaning noise from her suspended position in the tree)

Lara: Well come on then! Theres no time to lose, the aliens could leave any moment now!

She fires up the rockets and blasts expertly upwards towards the ship. She lands on the edge of its rim, and peers down at the others, who are zipping around wildly below her.

Lara: Come on, there's no time for fun and games now, we have gorillas to rescue!

When they finally get control over the jet packs and land next to her, she provides them with climbing equipment.

Tora: Who packs your bag for you? The mountain rescue team?

Lara: No, the author.

Tora: (Shaking her fist at the sky) This is all your fault! Why did you have to get us stuck with this madwoman, and get my Dad abducted by aliens who travel around in a flying lampshade? Why couldn't you just leave us in peace?

Author: Because then this wouldn't be a very interesting fanfic.

Tora: GRRRRRRRRR!

Suddenly, hairpins start flying out of the sky.

Tora: Owww! Quit it!

Author: Well stop complaining about my story.

They begin to climb along the underside of the space craft towards a ventilator. Tora looks murderous.

Tora: Too right!

Author: Shut up.

When they reach it, Lara gets out a screwdriver, and begins to twist the screws.

Tora: What, you mean you don't have a blowtorch?

Lara: I could have if I wanted to, but that's too easy.

Tora: This is really starting to annoy me.

They crawl along the shaft until they reach the end, where there is another grate. Lara, in the lead, squints through the gaps into the dimly lit room inside.

Lara: Looks like a storage chamber.

Tora: How original. It would never be the control room or where the gorillas and my Dad are being kept would it?

Jane: Can we get out. I just discovered what a gas chamber is.

Tora: Eww! Whoever smelt it dealt it.

Jane: Whoever rhymed it-

Lara: Oh shut up and get out.

They crawl out of the shaft and into the room. Lara inspects a crate.

Lara: Assorted Parts of Male Science Teacher? Oh my God! This can only mean one thing! (She turns to the others, speaking darkly) We are on the Mothership…Of the Alien Fionas!

Jane & Tora: (Blink)

Lara: I will repeat: The Alien Fionas!

Jane: We did hear you the first time.

Lara: Then why are you not running around and screaming hysterically?

Tora: Why aren't you?

Lara: You obviously do not know who the Alien Fionas are.

Tora: Other than the fact that they like Assorted Parts of Male Science Teachers, no.

Jane: Well tell us then?

Lara: (Turning away from them and speaking in hushed tones) The race of aliens known as The Alien Fionas live on the planet Ecksalobien, where the live harmoniously with their Queen, Queen Ecky, who is a Lobien.

Jane: How come the lights always do that whenever she opens her mouth?

Lara: With their fascination by male science teachers, and their Queen's love for anything gory, they have found a way for them all to be happy, by finding male science teachers and chopping them up. They travel to distant corners of the universe, finding and dissecting the poor helpless beings, and bringing them back by the crateload to their planet. With their superior brainpower, they are almost unstoppable, especially in great numbers. They do though, have two weaknesses- One, make one feel guilty, and it will follow you around for the rest of its life saying 'Gnnnnnni'm sorry, gnnnnnni'm sorry', but the problem is, they've probably dissected you before you can even open your mouth. There is one other way, though. The only being who can control them, besides their psychotic queen, is the one named… (Drums roll and trumpets blast from somewhere, a bright spotlight falls on her)…RRRRRRRRRRAMBO STYLE FIONA! (Choirs can be heard singing 'GO GO RAMMMM-BOOOOOOOO', as she takes a deep breath and turns round to face the others)

They are asleep.

Lara: OI! WAKE UP! YOU MISSED MY FINALI!

Jane & Tora: (Snore loudly)