For many of you reading this fanfic, it will be very hard to follow. With numerous jokes and quotes from various films and shows, and the whole story line based around stories made up by myself and my friends in school. So I will briefly explain a few things: Rambo Style Fiona and The Alien Fionas are both based on the personality of my friend Fiona (or 'Ifif'), because of her apparent obsession with male science teachers (It isn't real), and because she 'zones out' or goes into a Fee-trance in the middle of a lesson, which are impossible to get her out of. Anyway, my theory on this is that she is being contacted by a race of Alien Fionas, hovering somewhere above the earth's atmosphere, hehe. Rambo Style Fiona goes back so far that I can't remember who or why she was created by/for, but I always associated her with Sailor Moon, buy I could not put this in my fanfic anywhere as Fee despises Sailor Moon. Queen Ecky is my friend Ecky (Emma, Evel, Eck whatever) and her evil sidekick Scom (Maeve) are both friends of mine from school. Scom was not actually in this fanfic, but who knows what will happen in the future. Anyway, please excuse anything that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, as this fanfic was originally written just for my friends, but because it turned out so funny, I HAD to put it on the net. Enjoy!

The Jungle is tranquil. A few birds twitter in a tree. Then suddenly there is the sound of machine-gun-fire, and a woman appears on the on the scene, running, firing her M16 point-blankly behind her, pursued by three large men, also shooting.

Lara: Take THAT you evil bastard!

Cronie 1: (Crumples at the foot of a tree)

Lara: EAT LEAD FATSO!

Cronie 2: (Blows up gracefully)

Lara: SEE YOU IN HELL GREASEBALL!

Cronie 3: (Goes cross-eyed as a hole appears between his eyes)

Jane: What's all the hullabaloo about? (Sees Lara's gun pointing at her) AAAARH! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Lara: (Pointing gun at Jane's head) Who are you? You're not usually in this level?

Jane: Wha?

Lara: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Jane: UHH…JANE!! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Lara: JANE WHAT?

Jane: UHH…PORTER…PLEA-

Lara: WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Jane: N-N-NO ONE…WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Lara: TELL ME THE TRUTH OR I'LL BLAST YOU TO PIECES!

Jane: I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Lara: (Is about to pull the trigger when she is pinned to floor by a young girl, aged about seventeen, her arms locked behind her back and her head underneath the girl's foot) HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Tora: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU WERE ABOUT TO KILL MY MOM! I'LL GIVE YOU UNFAIR! (She wrenches Lara's arms upwards painfully)

Lara: OWWW! GET OFF ME AND FIGHT ME PROPERLY!

Tora: I WON'T GET OFF UNLESS YOU PUT DOWN YOUR GUNS TALK TO US IN A CIVILISED WAY! WHAT DID MY MOM DO TO YOU?

Lara: (Struggles)

Tora: (Pulls arms tighter)

Lara: OWWW! OKAY OKAY I PROMISE!

Tora: (Releases Lara and steps back beside Jane, who still looks shocked) So who are you anyway?

Lara: (Out of breath) My name is Lara Croft. I'm here to…no I'm not telling you.

Tora: Fine then.

Lara: Don't play like that with me. I know you want to know really.

Tora: We really couldn't care less.

Jane: (Looks protestful, but says nothing)

Lara: Well, you're the first. Who are you people?

Tora: I'm Tora, and this is my Mom, Jane. Why did you try to kill us?

Lara: Can't be too careful in Jungle levels. Untrustworthy people, hiding behind every tree. It's odd though, they are almost always men. I was a little surprised to see you.

Jane: Hmph. Not nearly as surprised as me.

Tora: What do you mean, Jungle levels?

Lara: There is only one in this game: Abduction in Africa. (Shadow falls across her face, background dims and mysterious darkening music plays from somewhere) My purpose here is to find rescue the gorillas from the mutated alien race (Tora and Jane are looking around for where the music is coming from), whom inhabit the planet Ecksalobien, ruled by Queen Ecky, and to not let anything, be it straw people or stupid-cronies, to stop me.

Jane & Tora: (Exchange glances. Tora makes a movement by her ear with her finger, mouthing the word 'wako' at Jane, who nods)

Lara: (Turning to them happily, as music fades and the background returns) It says so in the user's manual. What?

Tora: Riiiiight. Okay, you get on with your little…game…just don't shoot me or Mom, or my Dad or anyone in the process. I hope you have fun.

Lara: Who's Dad?

Tora: My Dad. Tarzan.

Lara: Tarzan? As in 'Tarzan of the Apes'? Okay, you're crazy.

Jane: WE'RE CRAZY? YOU'RE THE ONE GOING ON ABOUT MUTANT ALIENS AND STRAW PEOPLE. YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE.

Tora: Okay cool it Mom. We're all crazy. Look at it that way.

Lara: AHH! Look, the aliens are here!

They turn and squint up into the glaring lights of a vast lampshade-shaped craft, a strong gust blows into their faces. A hole appears in the underside of the space ship, and they see a yellow beam shining down on the treetops. Silhouetted around the rim of the opening they can see three or four oddly shaped figures, bent slightly in looking downwards. Suddenly, five or six shapes appear from under the tree canopy, travelling up the beam towards the ship.

Lara: They're taking the gorillas!

Tora: (Running forwards) And my DAD!

Jane: (Faints)